Today has been an unbearably slow day... Schroder was in a bad mood which made the start of my day hostile and cold. Then I had to sit through a boring debate (not the people, the subject matter) in Econ and 50 minutes of more boring presentation in Calculus (2001 group--learn the concept of voice fluctuation, tone, and emotion!). Third period was slightly more interesting as I was briefly able to discuss relationship (rather, dead relationship) matters with Jenny, Leila, Mrs. Wagner, and Jess. Came home, procrastinated on my WISE project, talked with some military guys online, and here I am now. Youth group is tonight, so hopefully that will give some life to my night.

School really needs to be over, though... next week marks the relative end of two classes (Spanish 5 AP and Calc BC AP) which leaves me with only WISE and econ to deal with. Graduation seems so close yet so far away... why won't it hurry up and get here!

I got a letter from Andrea, today--just another reminder of how dearly I love and miss her. Once, she asked me if I ever wondered how things would have been different had we lived closer... yo siempre sueño de lo que pudiera pasar si viviéramos más juntos. La verdad es que nunca he conocido a ninguna persona como ella; ella tiene una influencia en mi vida muy especial. La relación que tenemos es una que no se encuentra cada día; es decir, solo he encontrado uno o dos en mi vida. Andrea, si tu estés leyendo esto, quiero que sepas que siempre vas a estar en mi corazón. No existe nadie como ti.

Last night I finally got closure to the most influential relationship I have ever had. Even though Loryn and I had broken up nearly seven months ago, I had harbored within me an animosity at not knowing exactly why we had broken up. Last night, I found out.

First, Loryn started off by saying the long-distance (all of a 45 minute drive) was too much for her, that she needed someone there for her, someone closer and more concrete. That was semi-believable but I knew it wasn't the entire reason, although I didnt say anything (believing all the while that she would come out with the real reason sooner or later). An awkward silence or two later, she finally admitted that she is a person of change--that what she wants now might not be what she wants later, and six months after that it may be different again. This was the closure I needed; this was the real reason that would allow me to move on.

I later found out that she was dating Devon, a fact I knew but hadn't heard her admit. Apparently, he's the new flavor--what she "needs right now". This makes me feel shitty and I told her. How could I just be a flavor of the season? How could she move so easily from one heart to the next?? She hasn't, she says. She still wants me in her life just not in a romantic theatre. Admittedly, I still want her in my life, too, but every time I think of the breakup now all I can think about is "Brian, now out of style." That hurts. But beyond the pain, I have realized that I can now move on. The chapter in my life containing the loss of my virginity and my heart, the romantic encounter with Loryn, who will always be a close friend and a beloved spirit within me, has come to an end and I can now comfortably start the next.

An epiphany! This blog is actually really healthy... it forces me to clean my conscience of secrets because if I write about them here, they're in public domain available for anyone to see... what an emotionally healthy vice this is.

Gosh it's been so long since I've written... if you want an honest confession, I've never really been one to keep a journal. Traditionally, I have felt that my feelings and my life were my own, meant to be kept within my head and locked away forever. However, I see certain benefits in opening up to a computer screen. I suppose that emotional openness now could lead to ease of emotional outwardness later, which is always a plus in any kind of relationship.

I got into a talk with Liz and Taea about my feelings for Loryn, and how Mrs. Wagner and some of the other women in my AP Spanish class thought Loryn still had feelings for me. Long story short, I decided to confront Lor about it. She said she'd call me back "in 20 minutes". It's been about that now, so I'm just waiting. Honestly, I don't think I'm over her. Whenever we hang out I still feel something for her... it's not what I felt a year ago but it's still something and not know what exactly it is is killing me. Maybe it's the emotion of friendship or the matured affection of romance.

I also had second thoughts today about signing up for Thurston Hall next year. Yeah, it's the big freshmen hall but it's soooo damn far away from the center of campus! Call me lazy but I kind of wanted to be closer to the center of GWU activity--not to mention the Metro station. Then again, it's my freshman year and I should take every opportunity to meet new people. Wait, i thought that's what Project Exploration is for? Regardless, I'm still undecided.